WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)James Comey, the embattled director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, presided over a special ceremony on Friday evening to commend the brave F.B.I. agents who had to touch Anthony Weiners computer.
In awarding the commendations to the agents, whom Comey called the bravest men and women this country has to offer, the F.B.I. director criticized the political uproar that he said had overshadowed their selfless acts of heroism.
These agents have performed far and beyond the call of duty, a visibly angry Comey said. I know were eleven days away from an election and tensions are running high, but we shouldnt let that subtract in any way from what these brave agents did with their own hands.
Who among us could look at ourselves in the mirror and say, I have what it takes to touch Anthony Weiners computer? Comey asked. I know I sure as hell couldnt.
Harland Dorrinson, one of the agents who received the official commendation, acknowledged that touching Weiners computer was the toughest mission Ive been on since signing up with the F.B.I. I spent two weeks undercover in El Chapos drug cartel, and this was much scarier, he said.
Andy Borowitz is a New York Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes the Borowitz Report for newyorker.com. MORE