Shark Destructo (CNN correspondent, Israeli affairs expert, Yad Vashem historican, GLBT advocate, IDF veteran, and military analyst) reports from Newport, Connecticut. December 19, 2012
I arrived in Newport by way of a private chartered flight when I heard that children had yet again been murdered by the combined forces of anti-semitism, Republican racism, white privilege, gun ownership, homophobia, and simple goyische ignorance.
Mind you, I am no stranger to violence. I served in Iraq for 7 hours as an adjutant to Paula Broadwell during a layover in Baghdad en route to Amman, Jordan. For my willingness to risk life, limb, and sanity for the American people and freedom, I was awarded 700 medals, including the Platinum Cock With Oak Leaf Testicles, the Order of Barney Frank, the Anti-Bullying Medal, and a Presidential citation for excellence in military sport recreation (I excelled at felching, which along with writing My Little Pony fan fiction and knitting has become one of the officially endorsed sporting activities of the United States military.
Arriving in Newport, I noticed with great displeasure that former Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney had already preceded me and was speaking to local media about the significance of the events. I bulled my way past these local reporters using my CNN credential pass and asked Mr. Romney for a few on-the-record comments about the events that had transpired. I also wanted him to take responsibility for the shootings, as Mr. Romney's party is a party that (along with supporting white privilege) supports the murder of children with guns. Romney's comments were as follows:
''Look, soy-tits, this whole fucking circus here is horseshit - having to dodge bullets and face danger is good for kids. Shit, they need it. I owe my own success to this kind of natural selection. You probably don't know this, but the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints owns a number of planets - we were working on space travel and terraforming while you fuckers were busy working on helping niggers make model volcanoes out of play-doh or whatever the fuck you do. Anyway, the Mormon planet that is used for early childhood education is known as Infernus 898765454 - and its a massive desert where average temperatures reach 300 degrees farenheight, and the only liquid matter present is an enormous lake of concentrated acid that is located near the northern pole. Now it would be one thing if the place wasn't populated, but the indigenous species there are real motherfuckers. They're self-aware robots that also have organic parts - their arms for example are electric eels, and their heads are those of silver-backed gorillas. Instead of eyeballs, they have magic 8-balls plunked in their sockets, and the only message that ever appears on the floating triangle is, 'Pray for Death, Faggot'. Basically, when you turn 8 years old, the Mormon Church sends you to serve the Infernians, and only 1 out of a million survive.
Most Mormon children are immediately seized by these monsters and pressed into service in the Infernus Youth Choir - but you see, the Infernian definition of ''choir'' is different than ours, ok? The Infernians find the sound that an eyeball makes when it is punctured by staples to be highly stimulating - so their youth choir consists of hundreds of thousands of kids having their eyeballs popped in some kind of musical unison. Those that avoid being forced into the choir are forced to toil in salt mines or offered jobs as courtesans. I lucked out because I know a lot of nigger jokes and card tricks, so I became the one in a million of the class of 1958. I'm not any barstool Barsoomian, you see, son - I'm a bona fide space lord. Heil Hitler.''
Mr. Romney's white privileged comments might be easily dismissed as the personal opinions of an individual privileged, heteronormative, white male, but they are tragically all to common.